Hobbit Fabulous

So, Paul and I have finally figured out where we're moving after New York City. Forget middle America. We're going to fcukin' Middle Earth. Or, for those of you who insist on living in "reality," Middle Oregon. To be specific, "exactly in the middle of Oregon!" as the bumper stickers read in Bend, Oregon, home of "The Shire."

Now, before I go any further, I should offer a full disclaimer: I am a Dork. In my single days, I lived in denial of my dorkitude. This wasn't because I had lost interest in LoTR (if you have to ask what that stands for, well ...), or Star Trek, both original and TNG (again with the "if you have to ask..."). But I knew that if I wanted to occasionally get laid, I had to keep certain things in the closet. And in the drawer in the bedside table, but that's beside the point.

The thing is, guys in New York tend to be self-hating Dorks. Sure, he might have been a level-20 Wizard back in Dayton, but, as they say, what happens in Dayton stays in Dayton.

Let's just say that New York guys are a little too suspicious of women who know what a dilithium chamber is. Or if she knows what's the trouble with a Tribble. But that's nothing compared to a chick who knows the difference between an Orc and a Uruk-hai.

"Urich-who? You mean, the new Austrian handbag designer in NoHo?" This is the only acceptable answer to this question for a single woman in New York. Otherwise, guys will look at you as if you might instantly sprout underam hair and start wearing practical shoes.

Now that I'm married, I'm free to admit it - I've always wanted to live in a Hobbit-themed subdivision. If you ask me, there aren't enough movie-themed housing developments.

Now, clever readers will point out that LoTR (starts with, Lord of ...) was a series of books long before it was a series of movies. But, the aesthetics of "The Shire" houses (and Ye Olde Patio Homes) seem to be heavily inspired by the sets of Peter Jackson's LoTR movies. To be technical, a.k.a., a megadork, the houses - which are not actually holes in the ground - are more like the houses of Bree, the human village nearest to the Shire of Tolkein's Hobbits.

Although no explicit references are made to Tolkein or Peter Jackson's titles, the connection is heavily implied. For instance, in the "neighborhood" section of The Shire subdivision website, one vacant house reads "this is the House of Boramir," (who was a human, not a Hobbit) next to the house of his brother Faramir (also human, albeit less rugged and masculine). Click on a house, and up pops an uncredited movie still of the actors who played Boramir, Faramir and others from the Peter Jackson movies, all of whom "live" in The Shire, perhaps on Copyright Infringement Lane.

It's interesting (taking liberties with the word "interesting") to note that Faramir lives next door to Melilot Brandybuck, who, some of you will remember, is -- a Hobbit. In the real Middle Earth, Hobbits and Humans didn't live next door to each other, because Hobbits liked to keep to themeselves, mostly in the comfortable underground holes where the lived. (Much in the way that many obsessive LoTR fans live in their parents' basement, and only hang around with their high school friends who also still live with their folks at age 34.)

It's important to be as accurate as possible when referencing a history that never existed, for the sake of "consistancy." You know, to keep the illusion afloat. It's something that people like George Lucas, or White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, must grapple with every day.

All I have to say is that I hope they'll have National Guardsmen posted at the entrance of The Shire, to keep any high school kids who live there from getting beaten to a bloody pulp. It's bad enough they live in a town called "Bend." Of course, if teenagers in cutesy subdivisions in Florida are any indication, the kids who grow up in The Shire will make Marilyn Manson look like a friggin' Care Bear.

That withstanding, I think we've reached the point in our cultural evolution when this idea of movie-themed housing developments could really take off.

A few ideas:

Transformer Glen. For those of you who may be tuning in from another Planet (shout out to my boys in the Gamma quadrant!), the Transformers are a children's cartoon inspired by the popular toys (or is it the other way around?) of the same name. The Transformers were/are a loose confederation crime-fighting automobiles who could, uh, transform into crime-fighting robots. The noble Autobots were locked in an unending battle with the evil Decepticons, although the motives on either side were never especially clear.

In the cartoon, the Autobots were led by Optimus Prime, an flatbed truck/fighting machine whose motto is "freedom is the right of all sentient beings." According to the official Hasbro site, "it has often been noted that his wisdom is so great he seems to have a deeper understanding of the universe than he lets on."

Again, we have to wonder if Tony Snow isn't confusing U.S. foreign policy with a particularly riveting episode of The Transformers, but that's another matter.

Anyway, the first kids to become obsessed with Transformers are now in their mid-30s. They might be too old to play with action figures, but they sure aren't too old to want to live in one.

Transformer Glen should probably be an apartment complex in New York City. Come to think of it, I think I've already lived there. The living room transforms into a bedroom (Murphy bed) which is also a crime-fighting kitchen! And the kitchen transforms into a bathroom (flimsy door separating the oven from the toilet)!

Similarly, an L.A. developper might pick up on Blade Runner Estates, an industrial wasteland-themed complex with no trees or nature, but I'm not sure how they'd tell the difference between that and any other apartment building in the Valley.

Personally, I'm holding out for Enterprise Acres. If my address could be on NCC-1701 D Place, at the corner of Tribble Lane, my life would pretty much be complete.