Movers and (Wiener Dog Salt & Pepper) Shakers

Today, I tried to buy a telephone. Not a cell phone, or even a cordless telephone. Not a phone/fax/copier/toaster. Just a plain old, regular phone. Somehow, this turned into an all-day affair.

You see, cordless phones, much like cell phones, don’t seem to work in our apartment.

“If you live in an old building, it’s probably the bricks,” explained the Team Member at Sprint, when I tried to explain why I should be able to return or exchange my phone. “The thing is,” the she explained, “cell phones aren’t supposed to be used indoors.”

This explanation came with a knowing look, as if I’d been violating the laws of God and nature by using cell phone indoors, undoubtedly for some unspeakable purpose involving a ball gag and a pair of assless chaps.

There are several problems with Sprint’s “it’s Karmic punishment for making the phone feel dirty by using it indoors” assessment of why we get no reception. First – the bricks? I’ve managed to get crystal-clear cell phone reception on a Boeing 777, in mid-air, sitting in the row next to the thrust engine. But here at home, I guess the bricks are made of some sort of cell-phone Kryptonite. The same thing happened with the cordless phone, even though it was supposedly one of those “up to 500 foot range!” types. Go in the other room (behind the magic bricks), and you loose the signal.

Besides, the idea that a cell phone “isn’t supposed to be used indoors” is just ridiculous. That’s like saying the Internet isn’t supposed to be used for porn.

At any rate, we were left with no choice but to buy a regular, old-fashioned, non-cordless (cordfull?) phone.

“Can you please get a phone shaped like a duck, or maybe Darth Vader’s head?” Paul asked.

He was calling from a vineyard somewhere outside of Santa Barbara, where he was visiting his friend Steve. Ironically, Paul was calling on his cell phone; the same one that doesn’t work in our apartment.

"Maybe get one that rings like Darth Vader's breathing?" Paul suggests.

Why can’t you find novelty telephones any more? When I was younger (but not young enough for the story not to be embarrassing), I had a phone that was shaped like Garfield, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. In my bedroom in Jacksonville, there is still, to this day, a phone that’s shaped like a mallard decoy (my parents are WASPs; this is the sort of thing Our People do…). We’ve had “The Duck” since the mid-80’s; for some reason, none of us can bring ourselves to throw it away. Instead of ringing, it quacks. The only problem is, it somehow picks up a Lite FM radio station whenever you make a call.

On the Upper East Side, hard to find anything so pedestrian as a working telephone. However, if you’re in the market for a Louis XIV toothpick holder, that, you can find 24/7.

Since we moved into the neighborhood last year, not one but two local hardware stores have bit the dust. I guess they just can’t pay the $10,000 a month rent selling spackle and nails. The closest thing we have is a place called Feldman’s, is supposedly a hardware store, assuming by “hardware” you mean overpriced European tchatchkes, like a this tape dispenser shaped like a frog, or a stapler with a striped bass on it (I mean, uh, "desk art").

I love Feldman’s, though. I went in to look for a no-frills phone, and came out with these (for real):

(Shown ACTUAL SIZE)

I looked in four different places in the neighborhood, but no telephones. If I were in the market for something more reasonable, such as an ancient Buddhist artifact (irony not withstanding), a 100% cashmere baby blanket, or a tin of Iranian caviar, there would be no problem.

As a matter of fact, I took an impromptu survey of the ridiculous merchandise for sale in this neighborhood. Below is an extremely short list of what I found.

Within a three-block radius on Madison Avenue, I found the following:

1. “Head of Buddha, 2nd-3rd Century” (about 3x2 feet) for sale at Art of the Past gallery
2. Custom-made Japanese silk bow ties and neckties (in the store that sells nothing but)
3. A candle shaped like a hedgehog
4. Framed, original fashion sketches by Bill Blass, circa 1984-1987, at a store called Gerald Bland (no, that’s really the name; couldn’t make that up)
5. A $186 bra

NOTE: all of these items, all within 3 blocks of each other on Madison Avenue, are 100% not made up, and verifiable. And these are not the weirdest things.

This weekend, I almost bought a dachshund puppy from a street vendor. To make a long story short: I didn't. Ditto with the phone.