Why They Hate Us

"America needed a hero. America has a hero in Joey Chestnut."

The above is a direct quote from the commentary of this morning's Independence Day Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, which was featured, in HDTV, on the Competitive Eating Channel, a.k.a., ESPN.

But at the end of the day, Joey Chestunt fell short of the dream of bringing the belt back to the United States.

Say it ain’t so, Joey. Kids all over America look up to you as a God. On this day, of all days, they were hoping to see you prove that WE are the most gluttonous people on earth. If not, the terrorists have already won. Or something.

The theme to Chariots of Fire was playing in the background – at least, in my imagination – as Takeru Kobayashi, the world’s reigning Gurgitator , won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the sixth year in a row.

Kobayashi has been described as “an alchemsit who can transform athletics into poetry, poetry into mathematics, and mathematics into history.” And history into ... well, you know what.

Since 2001, the fake-jewel-encrusted Mustard Belt has resided in the Imperial Palace in Saitama, in Japan, right next to the Pickle Relish Bra. The belt is of “unknown age and value” according to George Shea of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFCE), an organization I sincerely wish I were making up.




Check out the heraldic crest .. if only the lions (uh... griffins?) also had some jalepeno peppers in their feet (uh ... talons?)





In every person’s life, there is that moment where the universe aligns in such a way that we can see beyond our own limitations. “When I can be more than I thought I could be,” as the Whitney Houston song goes.

For Kobayashi, this day was today. The Michael Jordan of gluttony, the Michelangelo of Competitive Eating, the 27-year-old Japanese man exceeded his own record of eating 54 ½ hot dogs in 12 minutes, by eating 54 ¾.

According to ledgend, the contest was started in 1916 as a bet made by four immigrants who wanted to prove who was the most profoundly drunk, I mean, partiotic. What the eating of weiners has to do with patriotism is not entirely clear, although it is possible that they were drinking heavily. Irish-born Jim Mullen won the contest by eating 13 hot dogs.

The great Kobayashi has taken the sport to new levels. His strategy is to break the hot dog in half, dip it in water, and shove it in his mouth. He calls this “the Solomon method.” No, really.

“What an eater!” Proclaimed the ESPN commentator earlier today, without a trace of irony. “What a MAN!”

Why is it that everything Americans start has to be perfected by the Japanese? They already have the most efficient cars, electronics, and giant, city-destroying lizards.

Why can’t they even leave us our dignity in a sport that, clearly, has none to begin with?

Furthermore, when did eating excessively become a international sport, with its own Federation, instead of just being one of the seven deadly sins? What's next? Competitive Sloth? (If so, sign me up - finally a sport I can excel at.)

The best part is that it’s shown in HDTV. You feel as if you were right there as the competitors shove enormous quantities of food into their mouths, sweat pouring from their brows, mouths open, as the wide-angle lens captures the intricacies of the half-chewed food.

It’s like poetry, with some mustard on it. My eyes well with tears of pride as I watch the slow-mo replay of this, the most American of all sports.

As for Joey Chestnut, there’s always next year. Until then, Americans will just have to wait, and hope.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.