Coming of Age Story

Over the holiday, I had that coming-of-age experience that all young ladies of Dixie must have before they reach "a certain age."

Yes, my very first trip to the family plastic surgeon's office. Okay, I won't exaggerate, it was just for something called a "glycolic peel," which is really a fancy word for a facial. The plastic surgeon (who did mom's eye job, etc.) also runs something called a "miracle spa."

And it really is miraculous. Below is me before the glycolic peel (with the new kitten, the non-ironically-named Lucky, whom my parents adopted in October, and who has pretty much replaced me in their affections)...


And here's me AFTER ....

Note that this is an UNRETOUCHED photo!!! No Photoshop trickery! See? The whole process took off, like, 25 years. It really is a miracle ....

While sitting in the plastic surgeon's waiting room with a variety of women who were probably fitting in the appointment before meeting with their attorneys about that fouth divorce, I picked up various pamphlets about rejvenating procedures. I'm reaching the age where I start to think about these things.

I picked up a brochure for a product called Restylane, which featured a smug-looking wrinkle-free woman on the cover. Her expression said, "I'm sleeping with your husband, you pathetic, wrinkled old bag."

But that wasn't the shocking part.

"... Unlike rooster-derived hyaluronic acids and bovine collagen products, Restylane is free from animal proteins. Unlike rooster-derived hyaluronic acids and bovine collagen products, Restylane is free from animal proteins."

Rooster derived??? To put this into perspective, Restylane is a "dermal filler," i.e., it's injected directly into the skin to get rid of wrinkles and what-not.

So this means that legions of middle-aged women are going around injecting rooster semen (giblets, gizzards, whatever...) into their foreheads? And then they wonder why they feel a bizarre, uncontrollable attraction to mature breeding hens.

Now, I'm not categorically opposed to plastic surgery, botox, etc. When the time comes, sign me up. I may end up looking like a trannie, like so many of the Great Ladies of Atlanta or Charleston or Jacksonville. But so be it.

But please just euthanize me if injecting rooster into my body is the only way I can get any, uh, "cock."