Resolutions

Today, I got a jump start on my New Year's Resolution: to watch more T.V.

Like a lot of us, I make a long list of "resolutions" at the beginning of each year. Usually, my list includes things like:

1. Write and publish at least one bestselling novel
2. Become fluent in Mandarin Chinese (written & spoken)
3. Learn to figure skate
4. Have a cartoon published in The New Yorker
5. Finish a Sunday Times crossword in less than one hour

As the months go on, ambition gives way to reality, and the goals are adjusted ever-so-slightly, as follows:

1. Finish a Sunday crossword in less than one week.
2. Okay, one year.
3. Okay, ever.
4. Order Kung Pao Shrimp using correct pronunciation.
5. Or at least correct take-out menu number.
6. Watch figure skating on T.V. (assuming Top Model/Top Chef/Pimp My Ride isn’t on at the same time…)
7. Renew subscription to The New Yorker
8. Read at least one bestselling novel.
9. Okay, buy novel and read summary on back cover & pretend to have read it when it comes up at dinner parties.

It finally occurred to me that in the past, my goals have been far too selfish and shallow. This year, I've decided to turn my life over to something ... well, greater than myself.

Yes, I'm talking about celebrity gossip. And watching more cable-network reality shows.
I’m sick of not knowing who-did-what on the latest episode of "Cathouse" (or the short-lived "Catbox," not about prostitutes but actual cats ....). That, and being the last one to hear about celebrity feuds. Imagine my embarrassment recently when two coworkers were talking about the feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump, and I had to admit I didn’t know what they were talking about. It was pretty embarrassing. It’s like not knowing there’s a war going on in the Middle East. Although 50% of us don’t seem know that, either, so it would be a bit less of a faux pas.

I’m still not sure what Operation Desert Trump-O’Donnell Storm was over, because it’s impossible to listen to either of them for longer than ten seconds without it triggering a condition known in the medical community as “hysterical retardation.”

Of course, Trump and O'Donnell have been longtime rivals, most notably for the title of World's Most Annoying Human. Let's face it, they've got lots of competition (see: "Miss USA," below), but they nonetheless rise to the top.

Apparently the two disagreed (I don't know who asked, or who cared enough to listen) as to whether or not Miss USA should drink alcohol, or, like all the responsible underage celebrities, just stick to freebasing grade-A Peruvian feline laxatives.

Okay - am I the only one who thought that Miss USA was just the fictional beauty contest in Sandra Bullock movies? Isn’t Miss USA, like, the Mr. Pibb of beauty contests? Miss America is the original - the Dr. Pepper, if you will – of which Miss USA is avoiding-copyright-infringement-by-a-loophole knockoff. Like the Malibu "Marlie" Fashion Doll.

But the point is, I didn’t even know that this conflict was raging, even though it was in all the papers and the nightly news. Yes, the NEWS. On CNN, and NBC and what-not. Along with REAL news, such as who will get custody of the potentially embarrassing sex tapes in Britney Spears’ divorce.

Regardless, this year I'm going to stay connected to what's really important. No insipid celebrity shall go unnoticed, nor any reality show feud uncommented-upon.

At least, a girl can dream ...