Penguin indecency, and other subjects of great national importance

It's far too cold here in NYC.

Far. Too. Cold.

Right now, it's 19 degrees, but "feels like" 7. I love the "feels like" part of the weather. I'm not exactly sure how this is formulated, but I think it involves dividing the wind chill factor by the circumference of meteorologist's ass, multiplied by the square root of the combined digits in the birthday of his/her celebrity crush.

How cold is it? Yesterday, the gay penguins in the Central Park Zoo had to stop threatening the marriages of straight people in Washington State.

Speaking of celebrity crushes, I've let the back issues of InStyle pile up for so long that I didn't even realize that one of New York's top 7 celebrity gay penguin couples, Roy and Silo (above), have broken up. The news is pretty heartbreaking; I really wished those crazy kids the best. You might say they were the Jennifer Anniston/ Brad Pitt of the gay penguin community.

The breakup came after six years together, during which time they incubated a fertilized egg and raised a healthy chick known as Tango. Their story was even told in a children's picture book, And Tango Makes Three, which set off controversy in Indiana among parents who don't want their children to grow up to become penguins.

Roy and Silo demonstrated all of the characteristics of the straight mating pairs of their species - they built a nest (very well-decorated, no doubt), shamelessly nuzzled necks (in front of children!!!), and exhibited something called "ecstatic behavior" (crystal meth is huge in penguin gay bars).

But into this happy domestic tableau, enter Scrappy: a female temptress from Sea World San Diego. You know how those Southern California floozies are.... she probably has fake blubber. Anwyay, you might say Scrappy is the Angelina Jolie of the penguin world. And not just because she, too, was once married Billy Bob Thornton.

This is all very bad news for poor, jilted Roy (who, according to US Weekly, is "just good friends" with Keanu Reeves). However, this team-switching penguin does give some hope for the Rev. Ted Haggard, who, like Silo, has gone back to being "certifiably" straight.

In Haggard's case, it was all just an administrative oversight. You see, he was so busy preaching about the liberal agenda of gay penguins that he simply forgot to go down to the Department of Heterosexual-ness (DOH) to get his license renewed.

This unfortunate clerical error inadvertently resulted in Haggard doing fat lines of crystal meth off the chisled asscheeks of a male prostitute. Repeatedly, over a period of three years.

But, come on - cut the guy some slack. We've all let the tags on our car get out of date. It's practically the same thing.

Besides, who can blame the good Reverend? The DOH always takes forever, and they make you take that stupid "straight test" (written and road). This involves making men listen to the soundtrack to "Funny Girl," and if they actually know any of the words, they have to re-read the handbook and take the test over again. And if a guy notices a woman's shoes and/or personality before looking at her boobs, or if he can tell the diffrence between "Eggshell" and "Ecru" on the Sherwin Williams color chart ... well, he flat out fails.

The sad thing about Roy and Silo breaking up, and about Merle Haggard existing, is that it leads some people to say that being gay is a "deviant" choice, rather than something that is innate (although there are still four same-sex mating pairs among the 68 penguins at the zoo , which means just over 10% of them are "gay") .

But just because something is mutable doesn't make it unnatural. And besides, what if it were a choice? If it involves two consenting humans over the age of 18 (or two sexually mature pengiuns) what the flip difference does it make? I wonder if anyone in the history of EVER has cited "the well-manicured lawn of Steve and Phil down the street" as their reason for filing for divorce?

Most importantly, I wish people would stop looking to flightless arctic waterfoul as a reference for human familial or ethical behavior. On one side of the spectrum, the religious right co-opted the "family values" embodied by those smug Emperor Penguins in the documentary film, The March of the Penguins. At the same time, their cousins in captivity became the unwitting mascot of PFLAG members everywhere.

The poor penguins don't even know they're in the middle of a cultural turf war. Gay or straight, they're neither good nor evil, in the way that a cheetah who eats an antelope is neither good nor evil. He's just being a cheetah.

Adorable as they are, penguins aren't supposed to be our role models. Granted, they're more ethically mature than any of the White House Cabinet members. But still. A penguin's brain is the size of a cashew nut. They're not sitting around their nest discussing the geopolitical ramificaitons of the Guyanese border disputes. They're not even discussing the latest episode of "Top Design." But I'm sure that if they could, they would be.

Especially poor Roy. He really needs something to look forward to now that Cher cancelled her next world tour.